SUNHEART: answers and inspiration from ancient sources

Ancient Humor
(The Lighter Side of Sunheart)

At this Suniversity, you will always get a degree of humor!

The Elvis-Jesus Mysteries (warning: Bad Taste Alert!)
My Travels With Sky
Give Me A Sign
Sunheart's Practical Guide to Abusive Rhetoric
How to Win Arguments Without Knowing What You Are Talking About; or
How To Nail People Who Don't Know What They're Talking About!)
Snappy Definitions of Great Philosophic Movements in History

We are surrounded by rhetoric all the time. It exists in every political speech, every movie script, every magazine ad and article. Another word for it is BS. Many authority figures in our lives use it to control us. Even our friends use it to take advantage of us. Most of us are not familiar with the techniques and when attacked we don't even know it. We feel some vague irritation, but don't know what to say in response.

This simple guide to abusive rhetoric is in fact a handy pocket-sized "BS Detector," which can help you through many a jam, and may help prevent you from making agreements you wish you hadn't made. It may also help ease your mind if you are stressed by a verbally abusive person in your life. If someone says something that feels icky, pull out your BS Detector and try to identify the genus and species of BS and respond accordingly. It's fast and fun, and easier to use than a Getting Around Paris in French guide. Please also remember, it is not always appropriate to respond, especially when the "attacker" has a loaded gun, metaphorically or otherwise, in which case the proper response is to look at the gun and say, "I see your point." Please also note that certain people will be on the defensive if, after they make their plea for your soul, you whip out the BULLSHIT DETECTOR from your back pocket and start leafing through it, saying, "NOW LET"S SEE......."

Rhetoric in itself is not bad, and not abusive. It is the art of using language pursuasively. However, Abusive Rhetoric is bad for you. Like smoking, its unhealthy to be around and worse if you do it yourself. Just as you would say "Could you please refrain from smoking in my presence?" you need to learn nice ways to say, "Could you please refrain from bullshitting me in front of my friends?" Think of it as a second language. All it takes is a little practice.

Rhetoric usually gets its "power of pursuasion" from its appeal. It appeals either to a person's fear, vanity/ego, greed, desire to belong, desire not to cause a confrontation, desire for approval, or other desire. There are twelve in all. Once in a while it also appeals to logic, but this is a rarer form of the art which is gradually becoming extinct.

Rhetoric can also pursuade through tricking the listener into confusion. Just as a martial artist tries to paralyze or disarm the other person, rhetoric tries to crash any two way conversation by leaving the other person speechless. The scene in Austin Powers "The Spy Who Shagged Me," in which Dr. Evil tells Scott to "zip it" twenty different ways, is a naked example of what rhetoric is all about.

However, beyond this is what I call "abusive rhetoric," or what some would identify by the more colloquial term "bullshit." In this type, there is not only a strong appeal, but a serious flaw in the logic. When you are in a casual conversation with someone and they start to go into this type of routine, you have the choice of saying "yeah right," and nodding your head (a polite form of saying "bullshit") or walking away.

However when you are in the process of making plans with someone, in a planning session for your business, or on the floor of a courtroom, or congress, or being interviewed in the media, you need to respond before you are cornered into agreeing to something you will regret later. You need to take the four steps in confronting Abusive Rhetoric (AR, or BS, as you prefer). First, identify the appeal. Second, identify the flaw. Third, release yourself of the responsibility of making the expected response. Fourth, choose your response.

This guide will help you develop these four skills of Verbal Judo. When a verbal martial artist approaches you with a weapon, you need to first recognize the approach (the appeal) recognize the weapon, (the flaw) step out of the way, (release yourself from the responsibility of the expected response) then remove the weapon from their hand (your comeback). Then what you do with them after that is up to you. As they say in Judo, "It could save your rife!")

All rhetoric has some type of appeal. It is usually mentally seductive. It is the lure, and you're the fish. The hook appears later. As they say in Nashville, and Madison Avenue, every song has to have a "hook." And it had better have a worm on it or noone's going to bite. Another way of saying this is "You catch more flies with honey than vinegar."

There's nothing so bad about rhetoric, but when someone approaches a discussion with a strong appeal right off the bat, one needs to be careful about what is to follow. They usually want something.

Here are the twelve basic types of approaches, or appeals. When a stranger approaches you, it isn't necessarily bad, but you should be on your guard. If however they pull out a scimitar (one of those curvy Arabian swords) it's probably a bad sign. Time to act decisively.. and run away or use Judo. If you ever feel totally out-gunned by a master rhetoritician, I strongly advise you to walk away. Run, don't walk to the nearest exit if you feel like you're about to be swindled and you can't come up with the correct escape maneuvers.

1. Confounding Logic
2. Fear
3. Greed
4. Vanity
5. Belonging
6. Guilt
7. Demand
8. Deception
9. Slanting With Words
10. Personal Attack
11.Rhetorical Question
12. Deluxe Combo

The first step in handling fast talkers is to spot the approach or the appeal, and then wait. Some experts like to say, "Okay, what is it? Why are you buttering me up? Why are you suddenly so generous? What do you want?" This can stop some BSers in their tracks, but others will move right ahead, confident in their craft. It can also discourage some people who really want to give you something. Rhetoric becomes abusive rhetoric when fear is the "appeal" or motivator, or when there is a flaw in the logic. The second step in handling verbal attackers is to identify the flaw in their logic. Many people have trouble with this step. This is why a book such as this must be studied carefully before being used on the street.

Here are the same headings, with specific examples of abusive rhetoric, plus an analysis of the logical flaw, which makes the appeal both abusive and potentially fatal. Most of us at some time will run into a person proposing to be our "friend" who is always trying to manipulate us.

1. Confounding Logic
Glittering Generalities "Its the American way."
Appeal: This statement sounds great to the ear, and very inspiring.
Flaw: It has no content whatsoever.
Bait and Switch: "We've always been friends, right? So do me this favor."
Appeal: If true, the first part of the statement is appealing. You want to agree with them.
Flaw: The second part does not follow, but is simply what they want. They could have saved you time by just browbeating you. Friends don't do everything the other says.
If A+B=C then Z. "Exercise is good for you. It's good for your heart. You often say you don't get enough exercise, right? Therefore, I want you to dig my garden for me."
Appeal: The first part of the argument is true.
Flaw: The second part is from left field.
The "Stop Beating Your Wife" Argument: "Do you want to become popular? Yes or no?"
Appeal: If you answer "yes" you are saying you are not popular. If you say "no" you don't want to be popular. You want to say yes to avoid confronting the issue with the other person.
Flaw: Argument includes an implied guilt. By answering, you imply acceptance. Here it is implied that you are not popular now, ie a loser.
Also goes under "Guilt"
Misdefining Terms: "If you don't make love with me, then you aren't a loving person." (Two meanings of the word.)
Appeal: It sounds like it makes sense because of the same word being used.
Flaw: It doesn't really make sense, because the word love has several meanings and these two are "apples and oranges."
Absolutism A-Positive Absolutism: "You said yourself a little partying is good for you. So more partying is even better. There are parties all weekend I could take you to."
Appeal: It sounds logical, because some things, like happiness, we can always use more of.
Flaw: Unlike happiness, partying is not an absolute good.
Absolutism B- Negative Absolutism: "Like murder, even a little bad is still bad, so even a moment of disloyalty to your friends is bad."
Appeal: Murder is absolute and irreversable. A little of some bads is bad.
Flaw: Loyalty has to be earned. It is not an absolute.
Apples and Oranges: (A=Z) The amount of time you will spend driving me to Cape Cod is nothing compared to how much time you spend in front of the TV in a year."
Appeal: The argument makes the time sound small by comparison. This is a form of minimising.
Flaw: The comparison is inappropriate. The drive to Cape Cod will take 100% of your weekend. No one watches TV 100% of the time.
Unprovable Reasoning: "God created you to help others on this earth. That is why you are here. I'm just giving you the opportunity to be rewarded for it."
Appeal: Everyone wants to meet God's approval.
Flaw: There's no way to prove exactly what God wants.
No Evidence to the Contrary: "No one has ever proven that there are any negative effects from skipping a night of sleep once in a while, so let's go overnight to Atlantic City and have some fun."
Appeal: Science does not conflict with what they're saying.
Flaw: Just because it hasn't been proven doesn't mean it won't be some day. And some things can never be proven, by their very nature. Common sense tells us to sleep once in a while.
Reasoning By Assumption: "If you just keep trying, you'll eventually succeed."
Appeal: This is a common assumption, so it sounds familiar.
Flaw: You will never succeed in jumping over the moon from your back yard no matter how many times you try.
Misunderstanding Statistics: "50% of the people in this state are of below average income. If you don't want to be a part of that crowd, you should be a part of my pyramid scheme where everybody can make money.
Appeal: It sounds worse than it really is. The appeal is fear.
Flaw: 50 % of any group are below average for that group, even if they are all making lots of money.
Cause and Effect: "One guy I know, he didn't follow my spiritual advice. And you know what? He died about a year later."
Appeal: It sounds like the guy died because he didn't listen.
Flaw: The story implies a cause and effect relationship which is not necessarily true; If you do this then this will happen. The two might have been coincidental.
False Extremes: "Either you're with me or against me. Those that are my friends will help me rob the store, the rest of you are my enemies.
Appeal: If you accept the argument at face value, you have two choices, to be his friend or be his enemy.
Flaw: The argument ignores a wide range of possibilities between the extremes.

2. Fear
Fear: "If you don't do this for me, I'll tell your parents about that time you mooned the school!"
Appeal: Appeals to your emotions to make you feel afraid.
Flaw: Coersion is always a flawed argument. Plus he/she could still "tell" your parents at any time.
Veiled Threat: "I have ways of making you like me."
Appeal: No unethical words have been spoken. But images of unpleasant things fill your mind, and there's no way to address them.
Flaw: It still is coercion based on fear. It is unethical manipulation anyway.
Unacceptable Option: "Now what would you rather do, let me borrow your car, or have everyone on the block find out what a selfish cheapskate you are? The choice is all yours."
Appeal: You seem to have a choice, and the choice is very clear. Go with the lesser of two evils.
Flaw: You are not really being given a choice. This is really a form of fear rhetoric, which is coercion. If anyone found out your friend said this, everyone would be talking about him, not you.
Pulling the Rug Out From Under You: "I've taken the liberty of removing the wheels from your car, just in case you were thinking of leaving me, babe."
Appeal: It's too late, its done, and the person speaking went through a lot of effort to do it.
Flaw: Anything done without your permission is not your responsibility. He should put the wheels back on before any further discussion.
Taking Hostages: "If you don't buy me that dress, I'm going to call your mother and tell her you died." Or "If you don't go out with me after work, I'll destroy that client's file, and they'll blame you for the legal damage."
Appeal: The ramifications of the threat are usually horrible, and will hurt innocent people for your sake. We don't want to be the bad guy.
Flaw: They are responsible for the unethical action, not you.
(fear of confrontation)
Rush: "We have to have this in the mail today."
Appeal: Rush causes anxiety, a form of fear which muddies the thinking process, and forces us to make rash decisions, often bending to the wishes of others. We don't want to appear lazy and irresponsible.
Flaw: Reasons are not clear. We need to know the reason for the rush.
Trust Me: "I have been looking out for you most of your scatterbrain life, and so trust me, this is for your own good!"
Appeal: We don't want to confront them and say we don't trust them, and appear to be the bad guy.
Flaw: It is not necessary to trust them, when open dialogue is possible.
I Assure You: "I assure you we are in no danger of being pulled over for recklessness. I drive my own car this way all the time."
Appeal: You don't want to reject their assurrances and appear to be the bad guy.
Flaw: The assurance is unconvincing, and you are responsible for your car.

3. Greed
Greed: "I'll bring pizza and beer for everyone that helps me clean the basement."
Appeal: Pizza and beer may be your thing, and if they are free, the person is appealing to your greed.
Flaw: There is probably a hidden problem with the basement, hence the need for bribery. You don't know if it will be worth it.
Fear and Greed: "If you come over and help, I'll take you to a movie. If you don't, I'll never speak to you again."
Appeal: The free movie appeals to your greed, the threat appeals to your fear.
Flaw: This isn't a nice way to treat your friends.

4. Vanity
Vanity: "Fix my car for me and you'll be my hero forever."
Appeal: We all like to be heroes once in a while. It builds up our ego.
Flaw: This may be unethical manipulation. They may be using you.
Flattery: "You are the only one who can solve this problem."
Appeal: We like to believe that we have some unique gift. We like to feel needed.
Flaw: This is occasionally true, but not always. If not, its a very manipulative thing to say. There may be someone better suited and more interested.

5. Belonging
Band Wagon: "Everybody's doing it."
Appeal: We want to belong to the in crowd.
Flaw: Even if its true, is the majority right? What then is the purpose of having an individual conscience? And is it likely that literally everyone will do it? Or just some?
Endorsements: "Bo Jackson wears these type of shoes. You should get some, man. Be cool"
Appeal: We like to share the glory of famous people, at least until they screw up.
Flaw: There's no substance to the argument. The shoes may not be the right ones for me.
Authorities: "Leading authorities say smoking can't kill you. So take a puff."
Appeal: Who are we to challenge "leading authorities?"
Flaw: Which leading authorities? What do the other leading authorities say?

6. Guilt
Sacred Cows: "Your mother wouldn't want you walking out alone on a night like this. Stay here at my house, at the party."
Appeal: No one would dare cross their mother. Mothers are sacrosanct.
Flaw: Mother has nothing to do with it. And she can speak for herself.
Blamed for Being Human: "Stop complaining, have a positive attitude."
Appeal: We don't want to be whiners and complainers.
Flaw: If we don't have the option of complaining we become doormats, and lose control over our lives. Everyone has their own limitations. We need to know our limits.
Guilt Trip: "Soldiers in war often stay up all night defending our country, and you're not even willing to spend a few hours helping me paint my house.
Appeal: This argument is designed to trigger our remorse for not being more compassionate and dedicated, ie "guilt trip."
Flaw: We should not be made to feel guilty for making our own decisions and taking care of our own needs.
Guilt By Association: "I know you're still friendly with some of your friends from high school who dropped out. I don't know if you can be part of our club.
Appeal: Guilt by association has some merit in that we can often get into a jam by being with someone when they get into trouble. However, the guilt is still theirs, not ours.
Flaw: There is no way for others to know what our role is in the "dropout" crowd, or why we visit them. This is a case of guilty until being proven innocent.
Short Term: "It will all be over by tomorrow."
Appeal: This argument uses a time frame as a way of dismissing your pain or discomfort.
Flaw: It's still your pain and discomfort, and a good logical reason for doing it has not yet been established.
Incrementalism: "If you argue with me over this, next you'll be saying you don't have to do anything for anybody."
Appeal: Some things are degree-sensitive, and some people get an inch and take a mile. It is also true that once you let go of clear definitions and rules, things can quickly slide into chaos if you let them.
Flaw: The person has no way of knowing what you are going to do next. Each case must rest on its own merits.

7. Demand
Outlining: "This is the only way to do it."
Appeal: It is basically a command, with few if any options. Either you do it or create a major confrontation, and risk the friendship. We all do outlining on ourselves, as when we say "If only I dated that girl, I'd be happy."
Flaw: There is seldom if ever only one way to do things. It's not logical.
My Way or the Highway: "I'm in charge here and I lay down the law!"
Appeal: This argument appeals to your fear, as well as your respect for authority and the rule of law.
Flaw: Even if they are in charge, they must still conform to the laws of the state and country you live in. Their "law" must be an ethical one. No man or woman is above the law. If they are not truly in charge by mutual agreement, their action is unethical automatically.

8. Deception/Lying
One Side of the Story: "I'll take you to that appointment you have. I'm just going to take a little side trip I forgot about."
Appeal: It sounds good, and the statement is true. We want to believe them.
Flaw: The little side trip may take three hours and make you late for your appointment.
Lying: "I wouldn't have done a thing like that!"
Appeal: You don't want to call them a liar. You want to believe them, and you don't want to confront them.
Flaw: They did it and you know it.
Promisory Lying "I promise you I won't let you down again."
Appeal: You don't want to call them a liar, confront them, or not give them a chance.
Flaw: They lied to you every other time.

9. Slanting With Words

Loaded Words: "You are trying to kill my efforts to have a good time on this trip. So stop bringing up these morbid things about your mother who just died."
Appeal: The loaded word kill paints a negative picture of us, and makes us the bad guy.
Flaw: You may really need to talk about it right now. The fun can wait. You're not the bad guy.
Irony; Circumstantial: "Strange you should reject my offer just when I was planning to loan you that money you need for your medical payments.
Appeal: It uses the supposed irony of situation to twist the knife.
Flaw: You have no way of knowing if the story is true. The offer still stands on its own merits. If you reverse yourself, you appear to be greedy and spineless.
Irony; Verbal: "I guess you hot shots don't need me any more."
Appeal: It says the opposite of what it means, so its hard to argue with.
Flaw: This approach sounds final, and blocks further discussion and communication.
Painting a Negative Picture: "By slinking away from the light of true enterprise, you are murdering your chances of financial success."
Appeal: The words make us sound like horrible people. All we did was say no to a business proposal.
Flaw: You can make anything sound horrible. If your friend's business venture was a good one for you, you'd have been interested. But it wasn't.
Painting a Positive Picture: (aka Minimizing the Negative) "I just thought you'd be delighted to do this nice little favor for me. I'm not the first person who desired to see his neighbor's dog bite the dust."
Appeal: It makes the favor sound fun.
Flaw: You can make anything sound great, even if its bad. For example, if someone says, "I had a brief altercation with members of the law enforcement community who tried to resist my efforts to enrich myself, and am now a guest of the state," you can ask, "Do you mean you had a shootout with the cops while robbing a bank and are now behind bars where you should be?"
Positive Metaphor: "Is there not one gladiator of the soul willing to help me finish this project of cleaning my fishtank?"
Appeal: It sounds awe-inspiring.
Flaw: Stripped of its BS factor, there is really nothing appealing about it.
Negative Metaphor: "It's a sly and foolish fox who thinks he or she can escape my network of informers."
Appeal: It makes us sound trashy just for trying to have our privacy. We don't want to be trashy.
Flaw: You can make anything sound bad. Just deal with the facts!
It Could Have Been Worse: "Broken leg? That's nothing. It could have been your neck!"
Appeal: By comparison, it makes you feel foolish to have brought it up.
Flaw: All suffering is relative to death by torture, yet we all need commensurate compassion that matches our grief.
It Was Worse For Me: "Mononucleousis? That's nothing. I had scarlet fever once and nearly died."
Appeal: We don't want to belittle their scarlet fever, or overstate our suffering. It forces us to stand up for ourselves and our rights.
Flaw: We still need emotional and material support to get over the mono, even if we are not facing death. There is a sliding scale of suffering.

Gross Exaggeration: "This is the simplest favor in the world."
Appeal: It sounds easy.
Flaw: It couldn't possibly be the simplest. That must be an exaggeration.
Latin!: "You paid your money and took your chances my friend. Don't blame me! After all, "Caveat Emptor!:
Appeal: Latin always leaves us speechless. Even if we understand it we feel we somehow have to answer in Latin, and we usually can't. Part of the appeal is that it sounds so impressive.
Flaw: The use of Latin does not change the underlying ethics of the situation.
French: "I know your wrist is broken and can't finish the game. I win the tournament! C'est la vie, buddy!"
Appeal: The French makes it sound final. We are left translating the French.
Flaw: This person is being insensitive, and the French does not change that fact.
Belittle By Comparison: The great yogis in India can go for days without sleep. What's the problem with you? Keep driving."
Appeal: We don't want to admit weakness.
Flaw: There is always someone who is further along in any given skill or strength than us. There is only one Bobby Fisher, only one Einstein. We can't be the best at everything. It is more important to know our limitations so we don't cause accidents.

The Impossible Litmus Test: "If you can't do a simple thing like get me out of jail, you have no business calling yourself my friend." (See the section on Socrates)
Appeal: This gives the person one way to validate their friendship, one which can be harnessed to someone's personal benefit.
Flaw: In real life, there is never just one way to prove something. Secondly, if the one way is impossible or unethical, we need to challenge the argument or get into an ethical dillemma. This goes with "If you really love me, you'll buy me that Mercedes."
Personal Attack: "You didn't join me in that fistfight with my sister, and I think you're a wimp!"
Appeal: This argument includes a general statement about a person's character, not their actions. No one likes to hear a negative statement that applies to their whole life.
Flaw: A certain action can be argued to be wrong, but not a person's whole life.
Putting Words in Your Mouth: "Oh, well I don't feeeeeeeel like mountain climbing today. I have a broken leg!" What's with you?"
Appeal: It appeals to our shame, to have someone mock our way of speaking, even if it's inaccurate.
Flaw: We didn't say it, they did. And the tone of voice does not disprove the intent of the words.
Taken Out of Context: "By saying 'no' to everything I try to suggest, you are putting a strain on this relationship!"
Appeal: It makes us feel guilty by painting a negative picture of our refusal, and making it a general condition.
Flaw: We said no to one thing, not everything. And being able to say no sometimes is conducive to a healthy relationship.
Lampooning: "I like guys with long, funny noses... just kidding!"
Appeal: Making a joke out of a real issue is a way of avoiding counterattack. We're supposed to laught at ourselves. By definition, lampooning is when there is truth to the joke. It is also called "roasting," and "teasing."
Flaw: It causes hurt but does not invite honest communication and resolution.

11. Rhetorical Question
Rhetorical Question-Negative: "Would you want people to know you turned down an opportunity like this?" "Of course not."
Appeal: If you let them answer for you, you have already agreed to something, and its too hard to go back and straighten it all out, and get into a big argument.
Flaw: You weren't really going to say "of course not."
Rhetorical Question-Positive: "Wouldn't you like to be the proud owner of this broken fish tank? Ignore the smell. After a while, you get so used to it you can't smell it."
Appeal: No answer is expected. Usually the speaker goes on to say, "Of course you would!"
Flaw: You don't want the fishtank, but technically you just agreed to it. There is something wrong with this picture. No one can presume to know what you think.

12. Deluxe Combo
Laundry List: "You are not only a wimp, but you are a liar, a cheat, a ne'r do well, a screwball, a nutcase, and your mother dresses you funny."
Appeal: It overwhelms us so it is hard to answer. It looks like we agree or can't stick up for ourselves.
Flaw: There are too many issues saved up to be addressed all at once. They should have been brought up one at a time.
Death By Repetition: "If you don't come to my party, you are a jerk, an ass, a putz, a bastard, a nothing, a snake, a dweeb, a chump, a ........."
Appeal: It overwhelms us and sounds convincing by the sheer volume of insults.
Flaw: The repetition of one idea does not make that idea any truer.

Pre-emptive Strike: "Your reaction to my dumping you just shows you are an unfair person who has no feelings for others, or what I have to go through!"
Appeal: If you say, "Nooo, you're the one who is unfair and has no feelings," then you look like a third grader pointing fingers." These statements anticipate what you are about to say and point them back at you. They are very hard to overcome, except by identifying them as rhetoric. One way is the pre-pre-emptive strike, which is to make the accusation right away, but then it gets ugly.
Flaw: The flaw in your behavior is usually tiny in proportion to theirs, or non-existent. It will help to be confident in your position, as you turn the tables on them.

STEP THREE:
Sidestepping Verbal Abuse Traps
Breaking the Rules of Polite Conversation

This maneuver is one you make inside your mind. Sometimes you have to decide not to play the game. Most verbal abuse involves some unethical action on the part of the abuser. Either they:
A: Have done something unethical which they wish to conceal or excuse.
B: Want to do something unethical
C: Want to do something unethical to you
D: Want you to do something unethical.
E: Want to control you, without your asking to be controlled, which is unethical.

In movies, there is always a bad guy, and the bad guy always does something unethical, which is why he or she is the bad "guy." Next, they always resort to rhetoric to either excuse their behavior, or to force others to do what they want. Life is like a movie. The same thing happens. However, you can't just sit and watch yourself become trapped. You have to do something, and you usually don't know what the unethical act was or will be. Here's a rule of thumb that will save you trouble: You can usually spot the con artist, but seldom the con. If it smells "scammy," it probably is.
When being abused verbally, it is best to be as diplomatic as possible, especially if you represent a sovereign country and you are at a televised meeting of the United Nations. However, sometimes "diplomacy as usual" is impossible without losing position and becoming vulnerable to the unethical. To switch gears from being diplomatic (ie trying to please them) to addressing verbal trickery, it is essential to mentally break out of the rut of polite conversation in some way. There are seven basic ways to do this.

One: Give diplomacy one last try with "I hope you don't mean that." "Could you reframe that?" "I don't understand." "What are you implying by that?" "Am I imagining things, or did this conversation just change direction?" This is a way of firing a warning shot over their heads. If they are too dim to notice, or are intent on challenging you to argue, you will need to use another more assertive approach.

Two: Change the subject. This can also send a subtle message that you are not "going to go there" with them. "Oh, did I tell you what my cat did today?"

Three: Walk away. This really can upset people, but can be very effective. It is certainly outside of the normal expected behavior. It can give you time to think.

Four: Let them know your thought processes. "Let's see... are you saying that the only way I can prove that I care about animals is to spend $50 to join your organization? Is that really logical? It seems to me that I am under no obligation to prove that to anyone. Where does it say that in the lawbooks? And aren't there other ways to show I love animals, say by rescuing them myself, leaving food out for wild animals, reporting animal abuse myself, or spending the same $50 to rescue a dog from an abusive pet store? Thanks but no.

Five: Explain why you are walking away. "Life is short and I don't have time to spend listening to verbal gymnastics. I prefer real communication."

Six: Analyze their approach. "Are you trying to intimidate (confuse, seduce, lay a guilt trip on) me? Don't you think I can play that game? I like to think I have more taste.

Seven: Analyze their technique. "Let's see, that was the 'Blamed for being human' technique. Yes I have limitations, and I'm proud of them. At least it keeps me humble, unlike some people."

Each of these seven are outside the normal perameters of polite conversation. If you want to be liked, and are always seeking approval from others, it is hard to make this mental shift. When cornered, or better yet, when you are about to be cornered, it is best to drop the "people pleaser" mentality and get real...real fast. Most abusive people will respect you more if you challenge them. If they respected your "people pleaser" side, they wouldn't abuse it so much.

Some Proper Rejoinders to
Every Day Expressions of Abusive Rhetoric
from salesmen

In this section we will look at possible responses to abusive rhetoric. I will use the same outline order. Let's pick on door-to-door salesmen. Most of us have had to go door to door for some cause or other, so we feel sympathetic, but we know how nice we are. It's those other people who go door to door we have to watch out for. Telemarketers are another case in point. These examples apply to them as well.

Here are some examples of abusive rhetoric that a salesman or woman might use to sell you something you don't want, and what you can say to them. I urge you to maintain an ethical stance, even if it may not be polite. You may actually need what have to sell some day.

1. Confounding Logic
Glittering Generalities "It's the American way."
Response: "So is everything we do in this country. That's a little vague."
Bait and Switch: "We all need cars today just to live. Therefore, buy this Deluxe Sports Coupe."
Response: "I followed the first part of your argument, which has merit, however how did we end up talking about Mazeratis?"
If A+B=C then Z. "Money today equals security. Security means more flexibility with your finances. Therefore, you need to take out this loan against your mortgage."
Response: "Wait. Back up. The first part of that statement is true and logical, but the second part is from left field, and sounds like a lot of fast talk."
The "Stop Beating Your Wife" Argument: "Here's the best vacuum cleaner in town. Do you want to clean up the mess in your house? Yes or no?"
Response: "My house is not messy, so I guess I can't answer your question. Good-bye!"
Also goes under "Guilt"
Misdefining Terms: "Of course our mortgages have higher interest. That's because its in your best interest to go with a reliable company. We are interested in providing our customers with long term service and stability."
Response: "Those words have two different meanings. There is no real logic to your answer. It's all word play."
Absolutism A-Positive Absolutism: "Having frozen food in the fridge is good. Therefore, more frozen food is even better."
Response: "Frozen food is not an absolute. I don't really need seventeen pork chops sitting in tin foil for years."
Absolutism B- Negative Absolutism: "Like murder, even a little bad is still bad. There's no such thing as a little murder. So even a moment of not being protected from burglars is just as if you didn't have any. It only takes a minute to rob your house. That's why you need this back up alarm system, with its own power source."
Response: "Everything is relative. Especially money not spent wisely."
Apples and Oranges: (A=Z) The amount of time you will spend setting up this new system is nothing compared to how much time you spend in front of the TV in a year."
Response: "That's apples and oranges. These next few days cannot compare with a whole year of my time."
Unprovable Reasoning: "Our main goal in life is to make others happy, isn't it? So take out this million dollar insurance policy, and make someone else very happy."
Response: "No one can prove what our main goal in life is. It's a matter of opinion. I think you want me to make you happy by buying your policy."
No Evidence to the Contrary: "No one has ever proven that there are any negative effects from insecticides of this variety."
"Yes, but it is possible it will be proven in the future. By then my kids might be dead or have nervous disorders or brain damage."
Reasoning By Assumption: "If enough people donate to The Hunger Project, no one will ever go hungry again."
Response: "That's your assumption. I need to see the statistics, and the strategy involved."
Misunderstanding Statistics: "50% of the children in this state have below average health! If you want to avoid seeing your children among that group, buy these suppliments."
Response: "You are using statistics in a misleading way. Just because they are in the lower median, it does not mean they are substandard. 99% of those children could be very healthy, within a narrow range of health factors. The difference between the 40th percentile group and the 60th could be negligible. Just tell me what the stuff contains that they're not already getting."
Cause and Effect: "One of our happy customers bought this fly fishing kit and went on to become a champion fly fisher, and now lives in the Bahamas."
Response: "I doubt that his buying your starter kit had much to do with it."
False Extremes: "Either you're a Godly person or you're a sinner. Those who are Godly enough to buy this CD Rom Bible will be saved. The rest are sinners."
Response: I believe that some of us are trying to be more spiritual, but God isn't finished with us yet. There is room in between those two extremes for most people. Can you just leave the brochure so I can decide for myself?"

2. Fear
Fear: "If you don't buy into this protection plan, my uncle Vito will be very concerned. He likes everyone to do their share."
Response: Say hi to your uncle Vito for me. I've been at the hospital with that kneecap operation and have been out of touch. Just kidding.....
Veiled Threat: "We have ways of making you vote "no" on that referendum."
Response: I hope they are pleasant ones or I'll need your address and phone number for the legal documents.
Unacceptable Option: "Now what would you rather do, buy this deer radar or risk being killed in a horrible bloody accident some time, late at night on some lonely back road with no loved ones nearby to help you? The choice is all yours."
"Those are not my only two choices, and I feel you are trying to intimidate me by suggesting they are."
Pulling the Rug Out From Under You: "I've taken the liberty of checking your credit rating, and you do have a problem, which I can help with." (OR: I have already spent my own money to put a deposit down for you on this little venture.")
"Nobody asked you to do that. I can't take responsibility for your actions."

(Fear of confrontation)
Rush: "We have to complete this deal today or the opportunity might slip away."
Response: "What's the rush? Why can't we pick this up later? We don't have to come to a decision today, right?"
Trust Me: "I have been selling this product for many years, so trust me when I say that it is the best!"
Response: What you do for a living is not my concern, and I have not known you nearly long enough to trust you. You obviously have a vested interest.
I Assure You: "I assure you you are in no danger of having too much insurance. This policy can be made to compliment your other six policies nicely."
"It's not up to you to assure me, thank you, but I appreciate your concern

3. Greed
Greed: "I'll throw in a whopping 30% discount if you put the deposit down tonight!"
Response: "But I don't want to pay 70% for something that may be worth only 50% of that to me. To someone else it may be worth that much, but not to me."
Fear and Greed: "If you don't buy these tires, you can never be sure if you're safe. But if you buy all four, you'll get one free."
Response: You're using subtle innuendos of fear and greed to sell me these tires. Can't they be sold simply on their consumer report status?

4. Vanity
Vanity: "Be a hero for these kids and give a hundred to the Chummy Fund. You might make the world a better place to live."
Response: "I already make the world a better place to live, just by quietly helping those around me, and you're in my way.
Flattery: You seem like a very smart little cookie. Tell you what, I'm going to give you the best deal I've ever given anyone."
Response: "Flattery will get you nowhere if your product breaks. I'll get my money back even if I have to sue. Then you'll see how smart a cookie my lawyer is. She went to Harvard."

5. Belonging
Band Wagon: "Everybody's buying it."
Response: "I'm only one person, I'm not everybody, and I'm not buying it.: OR :I'm not one of those people buying it." OR "The majority isn't always right. Look at the mess the world is in."
Endorsements: "Einstein loved playing the violin. Your child could go far by learing to play using the Fong Chung method."
Response: "Nero also loved playing the violin. So what?"
Authorities: "Leading authorities say that this toothpaste is good for you."
Response: "So you say. "Leading" is kind of vague. How do I know what the other authorities say?"

6. Guilt
Sacred Cows: "You wouldn't want your children to do poorly in school. If you don't want your little ones to be out in the cold scholastically, buy this set of encyclopedias."
Response: "I have a long term plan for dealing with my children's needs. Knee jerk decisions aren't my style." OR "Leave my children out of this."
Blamed for Being Human: "Stop complaining about the price, think positive, and go out and make more money."
Response: " But if I can't complain, then I have no choice but to be cheated, abused, and swindled."
Guilt Trip: "If you don't buy these Girl Scout Cookies, my daughter will cry herself to sleep!"
Response: "I'm sorry for your daughter's mental state. Sugar can make kids over-react emotionally. That's one reason why I don't eat them. Maybe you'd be better off selling something else."
Guilt By Association: "I know you're probably spending your weekends with those old drinking buddies from the ----. But get a life. It's time to join Club Med."
Response: Yes, I am still loyal to my brothers, and I have my own reasons for keeping that loyalty. It's not something superficial. You wouldn't understand."
Short Term: "It will all be over by tomorrow."
Response: "I don't think this pain is appropriate. The tomorrow thing is just a way of dismissing my pain and discomfort. I think there's something wrong with the fit."
Incrementalism: "If you argue with me over this, next you'll be saying you'll want it for free!"
Response: Everything is negotiable. If I wanted it for free, I would have asked you for it already. I'm trying to strike a deal with you that will benefit us both. We are equal parties, right?

7. Demand
Outlining: "This is the only way to go nowadays."
Response: It's not logical for it to be the only way to go. There are hundreds of millions of people in this country. I hope at least one of them does it differently! I like to try a variety of options.
My Way or the Highway: "I'm telling you, if you don't buy this you'll regret it the rest of your life. Prices will never be lower! Do it now!"
Response: My resistance will never be higher. This is my house, and my life. As a middle man, you work for me, and if you don't serve my interests, you're fired.

8. Deception/Lying
One Side of the Story: "This car is a beauty. No one can say you have cheap tastes when you drive this honey."
Response: "Okay, so what's the gas milage and the price tag? If it were cheap, everyone would be driving one. There must be another side to the story."
Lying: "The state guidelines demand you do have at least three fire extinguishers in your home. That's why we sell this handy three-pack."
Response: "I don't know the state guidelines, but that doesn't sound right. I have a friend in the fire department who can help me sort this out. I'll have to ask for your number and get back to you once I read the state regs."

9. Slanting With Words

Loaded Words: "You are trying to throw cold water on my enthusiasm for this product."
Response: "I haven't thrown anything at you yet, but if you'd like.... It's your choice of words."
Irony; Circumstantial: "Strange you should reject my offer just when I was planning to give you the two for one deal. But it's too late."
Response: It's still up to you. I'm sure if you wanted to you could make me any deal you wanted.
Irony; Verbal: "I guess you have all the cook books you'll ever need, and don't need me showing you the latest, most improved, state of the art cook books ever published."
Response: "Yup."
Painting a Negative Picture: "By not buying this life insurance, you are cowering under the rock of fear and avoiding the sight of man's inevitable fate."
Response: "You speak of me with disrespect. You must be mistaking me for someone else. You must have the wrong address."
Painting a Positive Picture: (aka Minimizing the Negative) "For just a few extra dollars a week, you can have crystal-filtered water in your home, bottled in the beautiful mountains of Santa Fe.
Response: What you're trying to say is that it's expensive. Sorry, I don't throw around money like it was water.
Positive Metaphor: "Is there not one gladiator of the soul willing to accept this challenge?
Response: "Nope."
Negative Metaphor: "It's a sly and foolish fox who thinks he or she can wiggle out of this contract."
Response: "Worse for you that I'm a human being with a college education. I know a slanted metaphor when I hear one. And I know my rights."
It Could Have Been Worse: "One hundred dollars a month? This product is worth twice that!"
Response: "Nothing is that necessary. People can live with only a roof over their head and some food and water and clothing. I could make a device for myself for a couple bucks that does the same thing."
It Was Worse For Me: "A hundred a month isn't much. I've got a Harley that I pay $200 a month for, and it doesn't even run right now. But you pay for quality."
Response: "If I were paying that much for something that didn't work, I'd shoot myself. I like a good bargain, which is what I expect from a good salesman."
Gross Exaggeration: "This is the greatest deal in the world."
Response: "That sounded like a gross exaggeration."
Latin!: "You can't wait on this deal forever. After all, "Tempis Fugit."
Response: "My Latin is rusty, but my English is pretty good, so why don't you speak to me straight?
French: "I know your leg is broken and can't go to work. C'est la vie, buddy! The bill is still due, on time."
Response: "Am I supposed to be impressed with your French? Or your compassion for your fellow man?" (OR I'm not impressed with your French OR your compassion for your fellow man.")
Belittle By Comparison: "Most of the great tycoons started out in rags and pulled themselves up with their own bootstraps.What's the problem with you?"
Response: "I'm just me, with all my flaws. You're welcome to go out and find those people if you can. I don't compare human beings, just vegetables."

The Impossible Litmus Test: "If you can't understand a simple contract like this, you have no business being in business"
"Oh, I thought a good businessman was one who answered intelligent questions. I guess you don't meet my criteria."
Personal Attack: "I know there are those who don't want to go into internet starup investments, and I think they are all wimps!"
"Are you saying that their characters are flawed just because they won't throw themselves...and their money...at your feet? On the contrary, I think it shows good judgement."
Putting Words in Your Mouth: "Oh, well I don't feeeeeeeel like making a decision today. I've got to watch the grass grow!" What's with you?"
Response: "If you insist on putting words in my mouth, I'll have to bite your hand off."
Taken Out of Context: "By saying 'no' to everything I try to suggest, you are missing the opportunity of a lifetime.
Response: "I only said no to one thing. Please don't take my words out of context. I take a lot of care to say them in context to your words. It shows that I, at least, am listening."
Lampooning: "That's okay, alot of my customers are deadbeats... just kidding!"
Response: "The reason I'm not a deadbeat is because I don't buy every piece of junk that someone tries to huckster me into buying."

11. Rhetorical Question
Rhetorical Question-Negative: "Would you want people to know you turned down an opportunity like this?" "Of course not."
Response: "Well, actually, some of them might be proud of me. And don't put words in my mouth unless you want me to bite off your hand."
Rhetorical Question-Positive: "Wouldn't you like to be the proud owner of one of these babies? ""Of course you would!"
Response: "If it were free I might consider it. Same with a yacht or a Piper Cub. And don't put words in my mouth. I can spit pretty far.

12. Deluxe Combo
Laundry List: "I would think that only a person with no imagination, no common sense, or sense of values, would turn down a chance to donate to such a worthy cause. If you have any compassion at all, you'll come over to our side and join the in-crowd, including people like Sally Struthers and other leading authorities, before the twelve noon deadline. It's just a little money, but it can save children just like your own.
"I think if you wanted a two-way conversation you would have waited until I rejected your first argument, before letting me reject the others."
Death By Repetition: "The kind of people who don't donate to this cause are generally the cheapskate type, penny-pinching, money-grubbing, selfish, uncaring, miserly, niggardly, variety."
"I would answer, but why use ten words when none will suffice? You may leave now."
Pre-emptive Strike: "Your reaction to this sales pitch just shows you are an unfair person who has no feelings for others, or what I have to go through to make a living!"
Response: "Funny I was about to say the same thing about you!"

Now you have a complete list of responses to verbally abusive sales representatives. You can apply these same principles to telemarketers, real estate agents, insurance dealers, Moonies, and idealogues.

Some corporate bosses go to seminars where they are locked in dry, over-air conditioned ballrooms for six hours and forced to learn how to speak abusively to their employees before being released. Therefore, please take pity on your boss, and don't be overly harsh on them. In addition, they also can fire your whiney butt in a heartbeat. Here are some examples of things bosses can say that can drive you up a wall. I have arranged them in the same order as in the previous section. Here, I have invented some possible responses that are diplomatic enough to save your butt with at least 72% of the bosses out there. If your employer/manager turns out to be of the 18% who can't take a joke, my apologies.

Please note that in this case, the best approach is to fight smoke with smoke, to employ flawless rhetoric in response to flawed rhetoric. At least you can hold onto a shred of truth as you waffle to save your job. This type of rhetoric is the type that allows one to say "go to hell" in a way that makes your boss look forward to the business trip.

1. Confounding Logic
Glittering Generalities "It's the ________ way." (fill in Pepsi, Coke, Motorola, Citibank, GE)
Response: "I assure you that my decision to question this minor point in no way indicates a loss of loyalty to this great corporation to which we both owe our livelihoods...sir!"
Bait and Switch: "Advancement in the company depends on a successful track record. Therefore, have this project successfully done by tomorrow."
Response: "Yes, success does lead to advancement for all of us, sir, for management as well as for their staff. And months from now, will we remember only that we made it a success, not the few extra days it took to do it right!"
If A+B=C then Z. "Doing spreadsheets develops mental clarity. Therefore, this twenty page report must be done by tomorrow."
Response: "Yes, many is the time I have felt gratitude for the priveledge of doing a spreadsheet as a way of clearing my mind. However, my personal pleasure is of little consequence, and the responsibility to do the job right is of concern to all of us. Therefore, I request additional time."
The "Stop Beating Your Wife" Argument: "Do you want to conquer laziness? Yes or no?"
Response: "I'm sure you're not implying that I am a lazy person, for that would cast a shadow on your own hiring abilities, and motivational charisma, which are so obviously beyond reproach. Perhaps we are simply reaching the threshold of human productivity here!"
Also goes under "Guilt"
Misdefining Terms: "If you disagree with management it might indicate you are a disagreeable type of person."
Response: But the ability to disagree makes us more able in some respects, doesn't it? I mean, isn't the ability to think for ourselves the very strength which makes us candidates for leadership?
Absolutism A-Positive Absolutism: "More overtime is good. You make more money. Therefore, even more overtime is even better."
Response: "Yes, there's nothing wrong with a little extra money. However, I might point out that productivity in any employee can decline when brainpower is impaired by a lack of rest, which can waste hard earned corporate budget dollars in costly mistakes. Therefore, wouldn't you agree that longer hours are not an absolute in and of themselves, but true profitability is?"
Absolutism B- Negative Absolutism: "Even a little murder is still bad, so even a moment away from your desk defines you as a slacker.
Response: "Naturally, I share your concern on the subject of murder, and also of 'slack' within the workplace. However, I assure you that as I am chatting with my co-workers at the water cooler, I am solving difficult conceptual tasks at a sub-cognative level!"
Apples and Oranges: (A=Z) "The amount of time you will spend on this take-home group evaluation project is nothing compared to how much time you spend in front of the TV in a year."
Response: "True, most Americans watch too much TV to be candidates for true success in business. However, this project has come up too quickly for me to change my plans at home, which did not include TV watching, but more wholesome activities."
Unprovable Reasoning: "God created you to use your wits to compete for the survival of the fittest. That is why you are here. I'm just giving you the opportunity to be rewarded for it."
Response: "Of course, I don't know what is going on in God's Great Mind any more than I know what is going on in yours, sir, but I do know this--each employee has something to contribute, according to their own talent and ability, and I will always try to make the most of my own."
No Evidence to the Contrary: "No one has ever proven that there are any negative effects from skipping a night of sleep once in a while, or from working long hours at the office."
Response: "Yes, that's true, but let us not forget that this failure of science to prove the obvious could be rectified at any time, and so it is better to be on the safe side."
Reasoning By Assumption: "If enough bosses give this kind of workload, it will improve the sense of values among the other employees."
Response: "Yes, but let us not assume that those other employees would be impressed by such things, and let the proposal stand on its own merits, which I feel are still open to discussion."
Misunderstanding Statistics: "50% of the employees in this company are below average! Your report needs to be top notch to prevent you from being one of them!"
Response "If I am in that lower 50% this one report will not rectify my situation, and if in the upper 50%, one failure will not harm my status. Statistics can blind us to the real goals of the corporation, which is productivity."
Cause and Effect: "One employee wrote a twelve page self-evaluation, and went on to become district manager years later."
Response: "I'm sure that it was not just the twelve page evaluation which did the trick but also expert guidance and training by skilled managers such as yourself who opened those doors for him and saw that he was promoted according to his rich potential."
False Extremes: "Either you're a go-getter or a dead-beat. Those who are smart enough to sign onto this project are obviously go-getters. The rest are duds."
Response: "Of course I think of myself as a go-getter or I would have transferred out of this highly motivated department long ago. However, I am wondering if the great enthusiasm this unit possesses might be better utilized on more appropriate projects than counting beans in a jar."

2. Fear
Fear: "If you don't do this extra progress report, I'm having a conference with your supervisor!"
Response: "I have nothing to hide from my superiors, whose judgement is generally impeccible. If they felt this project was worthwhile, they would have assigned it to me."
Veiled Threat: "We have ways of making you improve your productivity."
Response: "There is no need to keep secrets where I'm concerned. Perhaps if you have some positive suggestions I can share them with all of my co-workers."
Unacceptable Option: "Now what would you rather do, turn in that design on time in spite of the fact that your two teamworkers are in the hospital from stress-related illnesses, or lose your job? The choice is all yours."
"Ah, but all the choices are yours, sir. I am but a piece of the puzzle, a cog in the great wheel of industry. Right now that wheel is missing two out of three cogs. If you fire me, it will be your choice, and history will judge as to your wisdom in leaving the department completely unmanned while my fallen comrades languor in hospital beds, unable to help out. If you retain me, I will, as always, try my best. That is all I can do."
Pulling the Rug Out From Under You: "I've taken the liberty of talking to your supervisors and they accepted my account of your failures based solely on my reputation."
Response: "Thanks for letting me know where I might more strategically place my attentions in the future as regards protecting my good name in this company."
fear of confrontation
Rush: "This Pennypacker Account has to be completely revised by tonight!"
Response: "If I try to do it all at once, there will be a higher probability of mistakes. Could you please explain how the necessity for speed is greater than that risk?"
Trust Me: "I have been an office administrator for many years, and I assure you this is for your own good!"
Response: Someone with such experience will surely have the ability to explain to my satisfaction why this is necessary, when it seems on the surface to go against common sense."
I Assure You: "I assure you you are in no danger of being caught if you divert this money to my travel fund."
Response: "Thanks for your assurances, however, my conscience will most certainly catch up with me even if the boys upstairs never do."

3. Greed
Greed: "I'll bring in pizza for the ones who do the whole assignment."
Response: "I always try to do my best, but if you want to bring pizza, that's up to you."
Fear and Greed: "If you don't do it you'll be fired. If you do it, I'll see that you get that raise."
Response: "I see that you are very concerned about the outcome of this project. Please be assured that I have your best interests at heart when I question its necessity."

4. Vanity
Vanity: "You'll be heroes. You might make the company a better place to work."
Response: "I can speak for all of us in saying we are all eager to make this a better place to work. Perhaps there is another way we can accomplish that."

5. Belonging
Band Wagon: "Everybody's doing it."
Response: "Yes, but I have always considered this division to be dedicated to excellence, and I hardly think that something which everyone is doing can be the stuff of which excellence is made!"
Endorsements: "President Paycheck used to do these kind of overtime projects, and look where he ended up."
Response: "Yes, I'm sure he did, but his being the former President's son may have had equal weight in the matter."
Authorities: "Leading authorities say volunteering at work is good for your career advancement."
Response: "Great. Email me those list of authorities so I can look up thier work and see what other words of wisdom they have that might better pertain to me."

6. Guilt
Sacred Cows: "You wouldn't want your mother to be deprived of your financial support just because you didn't get a raise. Don't you want to be a better breadwinner for your loved ones? If you love your mother, speed up on this project."
Response: "One thing my mother taught me is that one should always try to do a good thorough job regardless of recognition and reward. Your high regard for my mother has convinced me that rushing this project would be unwise."
Blamed for Being Human: "Stop complaining, have a positive attitude."
Response: "I always have a positive attitude, even when complaining, sir!"
Guilt Trip: "Soldiers in war often stay up all night defending our country, and you're not even willing to spend a few hours on this crucial employee survey."
Response: "Yes, and we are soldiers of commerce at your service. However, in that it is peacetime, I suggest a more non-militant approach, since no lives are at stake.
Guilt By Association: "I know you're still friendly with some of your friends from the design lab who were fired because of that product failure. Naturally, I have my doubts about your ability!"
Response: "I don't believe that guilt by association accomplishes anything. I enjoy their company, however, I assure you I do not ask them for professional advice!
Short Term: "I know I gave you short notice on this project. It will all be over by tomorrow."
Response: "I understand the pressure you must be under, and I stand with you, however, I think there might be long term negative effects from an overnight marathon approach to this project."
Incrementalism: "If you argue with me over this, next you'll be saying you don't have to come to work."
Response: "I am not arguing with you, only sharing insights in an enthusiastic and even passionate manner. That does not mean I will lose sight of our basic shared values, goals, and aspirations."

7. Demand
Outlining: "Computer graphics is the only way to communicate."
Response: "It is certainly a good way. I am sure you don't mean that no other meritorious ways exist."
My Way or the Highway: "I'm in charge here and I lay down the law!"
Response: "Yes, you are a guiding light to us all. However, the government lays down the law and it behooves all of us to follow it lest we be punished, regardless of our position within the corporation."

8. Deception/Lying
One Side of the Story: "Many such lengthy progress reports have brought recognition to the salespeople who write them, not to mention advances and raises."
Response: "Yes, progress reports have their merits, but there is much more to the success stories of our greatest salespeople beyond mere progress reports.Plus, one wonders, was it really the reports at all, or just a coincidence? Surely, there were other factors."
Lying: "The state guidelines demand that we produce three such progress reports every quarter." (not true)
Response: "Do you mind if I check the state guidelines for clarification? I would like to get a better grasp of the terms being used here."

9. Slanting With Words

Loaded Words: "You are trying to slam my efforts to make this a terrific quarterly report!"
Response: "I am only trying to gift you with alternative and more truthful and verifiable strategies for reaching that august result."
Irony; Circumstantial: "Strange you should reject my offer just when I was planning to give you an raise."
Response: "I had no way of knowing about the raise, and even in hind-sight would still find the decision difficult, whether or not I made the same decision."
Irony; Verbal: "I guess you eggheads have better things to do with your intellectual gifts than use them to help us get out of this public relations dilemma."
Response: "I sense a touch of irony in your words. Are you upset about something? You can trust us!"
Painting a Negative Picture: "By slinking away from the more risky opportunities of free enterprise, you are destroying your chances of greatness."
Response: "I appreciate your concern for my welfare, however, my welfare is my concern and not yours."
Painting a Positive Picture: (aka Minimizing the Negative) "I just thought this quick little graphics project would be a helpful challenge to you."
Response: "This 40 page project might be helpful and challenging if I had more time to think about it. Right now, it is neither."
Positive Metaphor: "Is there not one corporate gladiator willing to accept this challenge?"
Response: "We, like yourself, having risen to this gladitorial station in life, already have a full slate of challenges before us. One more will have to wait."
Negative Metaphor: "It's a slimy snake in the grass who thinks he or she can wiggle out of this one."
Response: "All that wiggles is not snake. Perhaps are efforts to retain our autonomy are healthy responses to the corporate pressures we all deal with."
It Could Have Been Worse: "I could have cut four days off your pitiful little vacation. Lucky for you it was only two."
Variation "Broken leg? That's nothing. This building has wheelchair ramps, so unless you're quadraplegic, you can still get to your desk on time."
Response: "It's true I have a lot to be grateful for with this great company. However, it is natural for me to want to better my situation, and not accept less when I've contributed so much to the team effort."
It Was Worse For Me: "That's nothing. When I was your age I had to do thirty page reports in my free time." Variation "Mononucleousis? That's nothing. I had scarlet fever once and nearly died, but I still dragged myself to work."
Response: "In that I'm ill, I'm sure you could see how I might, in my pain and weakness, choose to go to other leadership within the corporate structure for help and compassion to help secure my OSHA employee rights."
Gross Exaggeration: "This is the simplest computer program in the world."
Response: "I think what you mean to say it is not the most difficult ever devised. Am I right?"
Latin!: "I never said our product was perfect. After all, 'Caveat Emptor!"
Response: "I never know whether to respond with a quote from Ovid or one from Marcus Aurelius when people speak Latin, but in any case, we're all going to be history if we don't work together to improve the standards around here."
French: "I know your wrist is broken and you can't type. C'est la vie, mon cheri! Use the other hand."
Response: "Those guys down at the labor union speak French pretty well. Do you want me to have them call you in French, English, or Esperanto?"
Belittle By Comparison: "Bill Gates can go for days without sleep. What's the problem with you?"
Response: "The wage gap between me and Bill for one thing. I'm not rich enough to lose sleep over it."

The Impossible Litmus Test: "If you can't do a simple task like this, you have no business working here."
Response: "I'm sure that some account was made in the project schedule for learning curves, as all good strategies do. I know you would never make a mistake like that!"
Personal Attack: "I know there are those of you who don't want to do this dangerous project, and I think you're all cowards."
Response: "I'd rather be called names than declared dead any day. However, you would be ill advised to extract from this one incident any generalizations about my life."
Putting Words in Your Mouth: "Oh, well I don't feeeeeeeel like editing fifty pages of rough copy today! I've got to hang out by the water cooler and BS with my friends!' What's with you people?"
Response: "I don't recall saying that, but I do recall you saying that you would plan our work ahead for us, and it seems that this didn't happen."
Taken Out of Context: "By saying 'no' to everything I try to suggest, you are putting the entire department in jeapardy!" (The "no" was only in the context of this one assignment, not all)
Response: "On the contrary, I trust most of your decisions implicitly. That is why I expect that you would sit up and take notice on those rare occasions that I object."

11. Rhetorical Question
Rhetorical Question-Negative: "Would you want people to know you turned down an advancement opportunity like this? Of course not!"
Response: "Some of them would see it in a different light, as I do. The rest would have to shift for themselves."
Rhetorical Question-Positive: "Wouldn't you like to be the proud owner of a position that really meant something? Of course you would. We can transfer you to Iraq immediately!"
Response: "I realize you were just trying to save me the effort of responding, but you misguaged my response. I need more information before making a decision like that."
Call Me A Liar: "I said that this work has to get done today. Are you calling me a liar?"
Response: "I am not ready to make such a statement. I need more information with which to make that assessment."

12. Deluxe Combo
Laundry List: "We have ways of making slackers like you rise to the challenge of making these simple deadlines. If you fail, I'm having the water coolers removed from this sector. How would you feel about that?"
Response: "You give me much to think about. I will cogitate on this for a while....when I have time."
Death By Repetition: "I've read your 'comments' from the suggestion box, and not only are you a complainer, but you're a whiner, a tattler, a wet blanket, a whistle blower, a snitch, a bad apple, insubordinate, and a griper to boot."
Response: "You give me much to cogitate on all at once. But I think your various arguments all boil down to one basic assumption, one with which I beg to differ."
Pre-emptive Strike: "Your reaction to this evaluation and subsequent lowering in salary just shows you are an unfair person who has no feelings for others, or what I have to go through to do my job!"
Response: "I am very aware of how difficult your job is. I am here to make you look good, however I need more resources and support with which to do this. As it stands, making you look good is becoming increasingly difficult."

Professor F. has assigned his students a 24 page term paper on "The Meaning of Life" due "tomorrow." His students, however feel the assignment may be unfair, and raise questions as to his reasoning. His arguments defending his decision are rhetorical in the manipulative sense of the word. Can you find the flaws in the following arguments?

1. Confounding Logic
Glittering Generalities "Its the American way."
flaw:_______________________________
Bait and Switch: "Education means getting a good job. Therefore, do this assignment."
flaw: _______________________________
If A+B=C then Z. "Philosophy develops mental clarity. Therefore, this assignment must be done tomorrow."
flaw _________________________________
The "Stop Beating Your Wife" Argument: "Do you want to conquer laziness? Yes or no?"
flaw __________________________________
Also goes under "Guilt"
Misdefining Terms: "If you don't know what the meaning of life is, your life can have no meaning."
flaw ___________________________________
Absolutism A-Positive Absolutism: "Homework is good. Therefore, more homework is even better."
flaw ___________________________________
Absolutism B- Negative Absolutism: "Like murder, even a little bad is still bad, so even a moment of laziness defines you as a slacker."
flaw __________________________________
Apples and Oranges: (A=Z) The amount of time you will spend on this project is nothing compared to how much time you spend in front of the TV in a year."
flaw _____________________________
Unprovable Reasoning: "God created you to fathom the meaning of life. That is why you are here. I'm just giving you the opportunity to be rewarded for it."
flaw ______________________________
No Evidence to the Contrary: "No one has ever proven that there are any negative effects from skipping a night of sleep once in a while, or from working hard at school."
flaw ________________________________
Reasoning By Assumption: "If enough of the teachers give this kind of assignment, it will improve the sense of values among the students."
flaw _________________________________
Misunderstanding Statistics: "50% of the students in this school are below average! Your paper needs to be 24 pages long to prevent you from being one of them!"
flaw __________________________________
Cause and Effect: "One student wrote a 24 page paper, and went on to get a doctorate in Philosophy years later."
flaw __________________________________
False Extremes: "Either you're an A student or you're a flunker. Those who are smart enough to do this assignment are obviously A students. The rest are flunkers."
flaw ___________________________________

2. Fear
Fear: "If you don't do this assignment, I'm having a conference with your parents!"
flaw ____________________________
Veiled Threat: "We have ways of making you study."
flaw ____________________________
Unacceptable Option: "Now what would you rather do, flunk this course, or turn in that paper on time? The choice is all yours."
flaw ______________________________
Pulling the Rug Out From Under You: "I've taken the liberty of talking to your supervisors and cancelling that Shakespeare thing some of you were planning to put on tonight."
flaw ________________________________
fear of confrontation

Trust Me: "I have been an educator for many years, and I assure you this is for your own good!"
flaw __________________________________
I Assure You: "I assure you you are in no danger of being over-achievers."
flaw __________________________________

3. Greed
Greed: "I'll bring in pizza for the ones who do the whole assignment."
flaw _____________________________
Fear and Greed: "If you don't do it, you'll flunk. If you do it, you'll get an A."
flaw ______________________________

4. Vanity
Vanity: "You'll be heroes. You might make the world a better place to live."
flaw ___________________________
5. Belonging
Band Wagon: "Everybody's doing it." (Even if true, is the majority right?)
flaw ______________________________
Endorsements: "Einstein loved doing assignments like this, and look how much we've all benefittied."
flaw _______________________________
Authorities: "Leading authorities say longer term papers are good for you."
flaw ____________________________

6. Guilt
Sacred Cows: "Your mother wouldn't want you to do poorly in school, If you love your mother, work hard on this paper."
flaw _____________________________

Blamed for Being Human: "Stop complaining, have a positive attitude."
flaw ______________________________
Guilt Trip: "Soldiers in war often stay up all night defending our country, and you're not even willing to spend a few hours on your education."
flaw ______________________________
Guilt By Association: "I know you're still friendly with some of your friends from high school who either dropped out or never went to college. Naturally, I have my doubts about your ability to study!"
flaw _______________________________
Short Term: "It will all be over by tomorrow."
flaw ________________________________

Incrementalism: "If you argue with me over this, next you'll be saying you don't have to come to class."
flaw ________________________________

7. Demand
Outlining: "This is the only way to do it."
flaw _________________________________
My Way or the Highway: "I'm in charge here and I lay down the law!"
flaw ___________________________________

8. Deception/Lying
One Side of the Story: "Many such articles have been published and brought fame and fortune to the author."
flaw ________________________________
Lying: "The state guidelines demand you do at least one 24 page paper in this semester."
flaw ________________________________

9. Slanting With Words

Loaded Words: "You are trying to kill my efforts to make this a terrific class." or "I do not dole out A's."
flaw _____________________________
Irony; Circumstantial: "Strange you should reject my offer just when I was planning to give you an A." (Uses supposed irony of situation to twist the knife.)
flaw ________________________________
Irony; Verbal: "I guess you eggheads have better things to do with your intellectual gifts than use them towards a mere college degree."
flaw _________________________________
Painting a Negative Picture: "By slinking away from the light of true scholarship, you are murdering your chances of greatness."
flaw ________________________________
Painting a Positive Picture: (aka Minimizing the Negative) "I just thought this quick little assignment would be a helpful challenge to you."
flaw _______________________________
Positive Metaphor: "Is there not one gladiator of the soul willing to accept this academic challenge?
flaw _______________________________
Negative Metaphor: "It's a sly and foolish fox who thinks he or she can wiggle out of this assignment."
flaw _________________________________
It Could Have Been Worse: "I could have assigned a 30 page paper. Lucky for you it was only 24. "
flaw __________________________________
It Was Worse For Me: "That's nothing. When I was your age I had to do thirty page reports overnight."
flaw __________________________________
Gross Exaggeration: "This is the simplest assignment in the world."
flaw _________________________________
Latin!: "Write me a paper on the meaning of life. After all, Cogito Ergo Sum!"
flaw ___________________________________
French: "I know your wrist is broken and you can't type. C'est la vie, buddy!"
flaw _________________________________
Belittle By Comparison: The great yogis in India can go for days without sleep. What's the problem with you?
flaw __________________________________

The Impossible Litmus Test: "If you can't do a simple assignment like this, you have no business being in school."
flaw ___________________________________
Personal Attack: "I know there are those of you who don't want to do this assignment, and I think you're all wimps!"
flaw _________________________________
Putting Words in Your Mouth: "Oh, well I don't feeeeeeeel like writing a 24 page paper today! I've got to watch Bevis and Butthead!" What's with you people?
flaw __________________________________
Taken Out of Context: "By saying 'no' to everything I try to suggest, you are disrupting this class!"
flaw __________________________________

11. Rhetorical Question
Rhetorical Question-Negative: "Would you want people to know you turned down an opportunity like this?"
flaw _____________________________
Rhetorical Question-Positive: "Wouldn't you like to be the proud owner of an A that really meant something?"
flaw _______________________________

12. Deluxe Combo
Laundry List: "We have ways of making slackers like you rise to the challenge of fulfilling these simple state requirements for scholastic heroism. If you fail, I'm cancelling the order for pizza. How would you feel about that?"
flaw ___________________________
Death By Repetition: "You people are goof-offs, slackers, sleepy-heads, dead-beats, drifters, and yahoos. Little wonder I'm losing my patience."
flaw ____________________________
Pre-emptive Strike: "Your reaction to this assignment just shows you are an unfair person who has no feelings for others, or what I have to go through to do my job!"
flaw ____________________________

Now you are ready for a more advanced form of abusive rhetoric which deals not with logic, but with loaded words. Often, the only way to respond is by reversing the loaded words, ie reframing the sentence immediately to put you in a better light, or to address the technique. Both involve stepping aside from the expected rules of polite conversation. Friends who use loaded words in friendly conversation to disempower you are not necessarily friends, although occasionally they are doing it for your own good, but only if you are A. a member of a satanic cult B. engaged to be married to an axe murderer C. holding a gun to your own head. Otherwise, it's time to break out of the normal patterns of friendly banter and ask blunt questions, such as "Why are you being verbally abusive? Is it fun?"

One of the most important tips one can learn in spotting abusive rhetoric is the use of slanted language. With practice, a true rhetoritician can make anything you like to do sound horrible, and also make the most insidious acts they've ever attempted sound admirable. In the first case, when your verbal opponent paints a negative picture of perfectly ethical things you've done, you can always respond by reframing the statement in a positive light. "Bribe? You mean donation...." Or if you're not so quick on your feet, you could say "Could you please reframe that statement (or insult) in a more positive light?" If you are really dumped on, you can address the problem directly and criticise their technique by saying, "If you intend to use loaded words to paint a negative picture of my actions, you'd better do a more convincing job."

At the same time, if you are dealing with a louse who is doing unethical things and is trying to make himself sound like Walt Disney as a choirboy, the same approaches apply in reverse. If you are quick you can say, "Guest of the state? You mean prisoner!" "Ethnocentric? Why don't you come out and say you're a bigot?" Or if you're not so quick, say, "Could you please stop acting like your own lawyer and admit that what you did was wrong?" If its really obvious they are slick-talking you, say "If you intend to paint a happy, smiley picture of your crimes, you'd better do a more convincing job! I for one am not impressed."

Uses of positive and negative words in rhetoric:
Positive Things Negative Descriptions
donation bribe
charity dole
honest blunt
loyal fanatic
friendship croneyism
compassion bleeding heart
motherhood baby factory
happiness goofiness
scholarly nerdy
obedient submissive
freedom anarchy
democracy politics
advocacy hustle

Negative Things Positive Descriptions
crime law of the jungle
cheating resourcefulness
failure learning experience
lying stretching (spin-factor)
fraud creative accounting
adultery passion
kill put down
execution justice
jealous protecting
fight altercation
prejudice, bigotry ethnocentric
greed ambition
drug dealing fund raising

In order to practice your skills as a bullshit matador, see if you can identify and respond to the different types of rhetoric used in the following movie scenes. Many of them fall equally into two or three different types of rhetoric. See how many you can identify in each example, then construct a possible answer.

Dead Man on Campus
"People who make it in this world have guts and obviously you don't have any."

A Few Good Men
"I'm sure you don't have a good excuse, so I won't force you to come up with a bad one."

"Would you feel insulted if I recommended to your supervisor that he assign a different counsel?"

"Why are you so afraid to be a lawyer? Were daddy's expectations really that high?"

"You know nothing about the law. You're a used car salesman, Daniel, an ambulance chaser with rank. You're nothing. Live with that."

Animal House
"You can do what you want to us, but we are not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America."

"What's happened to the Deltas I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts? This could be the greatest night of our lives, but you are going to make it the worst."

Dazed and Confused
"You've been out with those losers all night? That's exactly the kind of people I was telling you about, trouble like this means nothing to that bunch of clowns, you're the one with something to lose. I want you to stop hanging out with that group of hoodlums."

"You just remember one thing Floyd, it ain't just about you pal, it's about us; me, Donny, Mal, you'd be screwing us over..."

Any Given Sunday
"Did you ever think about Shark putting food on the table, or his kids going to college?"

Ferris Bueller's Day Off
"A man with priorities so out of whack doesn't deserve such a fine automobile."

"Maybe it's your time to lose. Think I haven't lost before? We talked about this, remember? Pressure? Take a big whiff."

"Vanity is definitely my favorite sin, Kevin. It's so basic. Self-love, the natural opiate."

"Any attempt to cheat, especially with my wife, who is a dirty, dirty, whore, I will just snap."

"How could I hand my company over to someone who can't get through school on his own?"

"Don't you think its pathetic that just because of who your father is you get to go to school all over again?"

A League of Their Own
"You never leave the house."
"Buy war bonds. It's the American way."
"Your country needs you."
"We want girls like you who are easy on the eye."
"Don't you want to say you once did something special in your life?"

The Shining
"What do you want me to do about it?" (the weather)
"Cmon, don't be so grouchy."
"I'm not grouchy; I'm just trying to finish my work."
"Okay. I understand. I'll come back later with a couple of sandwiches for you and maybe you'll let me read something then."
"Let me explain something to you. Whenever you come in here and interrupt me, you're breaking my concentration, distracting me, and it will then take me time to get back to where I was, understand?"
"Yeah."
"Fine. Then we're going to make a new rule..... do you think you can handle that?"
"Yeah."
"Fine. Why don't you start right now and get out of here?"

Miracle on 34th Street
"Millions of people believe in Kris Kringle."
"Good morning, Judge; how's that grandson of yours?"
(Santa Claus on the witness stand)

American Beauty
"Jane, honey, are you trying to look unattractive?"
"Lester, could you make me a little later please, because I'm not quite late enough."
"There's nothing worse than being ordinary."

While You Were Sleeping
"I went from being all alone to being a part of a family. And I haven't had that in a really long time." (She lied about being their comatose son's fiancee.)

Sweet November
"Everyone signs deals with him. Nobody turns him down. You cannot turn him down. What's wrong with you?"

Scream
"If you hang up on me, you'll die just like your mother. Do you want to die, Sidney? Your mother sure didn't!"

"It all began with a scream over 911 and ended in a blood bath that has rocked the world. All played out here in this peaceful farmhouse far from the crimes and the sirens of the larger cities that its residents fled."

Clueless
(concerning men)
They are like dogs. You have to feed them, and clean them, and they're just like these nervous creatures that jump up and slobber all over you."

"If I ever saw you do anything that wasn't 98% selfish, I think I'd die of shock." (to a young woman)

"If anything happens to my daughter, I have a .45 and a shovel. I doubt that anyone would miss you."

Empire Records
"This music is the glue of the world, Mark. Without this, life would be meaningless."

Runaway Bride
"You got me fired, lady, you destroyed my reputation, and you screwed up my hair."

"Journalism lesson number one; if you fabricate your facts you get fired."
(He responds) "Lesson number two; never work for your former spouse."

Varsity Blues
"Football is a way of life."
"We do things around here my way. You think you're in some fancy school?"

"You disobey me and I will bury you. I know about your scholarship to Brown. I have your grades under review... I get what I want and you get what you want. Don't think I won't blow this all for you."

"We have the rest of our lives to be mediocre, but we have the opportunity to play like gods for the next half of football!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

What's The Difference
Between Marie Antoinette
and a Piece of Cake?
and 50 other hilarious "What's the Difference" jokes

Order the illustrated book
"What's the Difference Between Marie Antoinette
and a Piece of Cake?"
($7.00 plus $2 P&H) from
Sunheart Communications
P.O. Box 1028
Woodstock, NY 12498
(212)714-7151
as featured on the historically funny website
http//sunheart.9ug.com

What's The Difference
Between Marie Antoinette
and a Piece of Cake?
and 50 other hilarious "What's the Difference" jokes

What's the difference between a "what's the difference joke" and other jokes? Well, hopefully they're funnier, or at least more clever than the average joke. But technically speaking, a "what's the difference joke" is a word game-- one in which the definitions of two unlike things or people are expressed in a way that makes them sound alike. This is best accomplished by the use of "Spoonerisms," which is switching the first letter-sounds of any two words, ie: "hooks on a carp" and "cooks on the harp" or by scrambling the syllables, a form of anagram. Rhyming words also help create the effect, such as "cat" and "fat." Also synonyms can be very effective, such as "rein" and "rain." Sometimes two words will have only one letter different, such as "competed" and "completed." Another common technique to make the definitions sound alike is to simply change the word order, such as "rocks the house," and "houses the rocks." The two definitions don't have to rhyme, but it really helps when they do.
The second thing to look for in a good "what's the difference joke" is for hidden meaning, for example, when there really is some relationship between the two unlike things that is not immediately obvious, such as Marie and the piece of cake. She was the one who said, "Let them eat cake." The question itself may be viewed as a subtle put-down of her socio-economic theories. The pairing of the Rolling Stones with the Museum of Natural History may or may not be a commentary on the anti-diluvian age of that particular rock band's members. To compare David Letterman to an old hat may or may not be a criticism of some of his less than original dialogue.

If you try these jokes out as actual quizzes on your friends, be prepared for some wild answers. Few people ever guess the one that is listed in the book as the "correct" answer, but there are no correct answers, only funny ones. If the answer given includes two definitions that sound in any way similar, that's a good answer. After guessing, it's fun to turn the page and see what the book has to say.
Of course, once you get the hang of it, you can make up your own "what's the difference" jokes, limited only by your imagination.
A large number of these came up around the family supper table when I still lived at home, and on subsequent visits from New York. A few of these I heard from friends many years ago, and the majority I made up myself, often with the help of my quick witted kid who was nine years old at the time. I remember one auto trip where we developed about ten of these, and laughed ourselves silly.
I hope these riddles amuse you, or make you smile and say, "Huh?"

What's the difference between Marie Antoinette and a piece of cake?
(scroll down for answer to riddle)

One hosed those runts, too weak to admire her,
the other posed for weeks on the front of Inquirer.

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and the Museum of Natural History?

What's the difference between (Newt Gingrich, George W. or any young Republican) and the tidal basin?

What's the difference between Arthur Feidler
and a pot hole on Beacon Street in Boston?

One wanted to tear down the house that Ruth built,
the other wanted to bear down on the south with
Bluecoats.

What's the difference between a scared little boy and a man's drinking buddies at his wedding?

What's the difference between an inhibited college freshman and a cold bottle of Pepsi?]

What's the difference between two Eskimos playing duckpin doubles and an arctic animal?

What's the difference between Ronald Reagan in a cowboy movie and a bail of hay?

Stonehenge was protected through the eons
and the pyramids were erected by peons.

The pyramid's a crypt for rulers through the ages, and the Sphinx is a cryptic fooler of the sages.

One was the home where Pharoahs riddled,
the other was Rome, where Nero fiddled.

What's the difference between the American Revolution and the "Finnmarks Vidda" region of Norway?

One served his master a long time ago, and the other mastered his serve a long time ago.

What's the difference between a gas station attendant in Philadelphia, and the "beer man" at the Phillies Veterans Memorial Stadium?

What's the difference between a Rastafarian bass player and a truck stop waitress?